How Much Effort Does a Man Need To Make?

Geplaatst op 31-07-2025

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I met a guy last weekend, and we hit it off. We have a lot in common, have similar backgrounds and had a great conversation (we talked for about an hour an a half).

He called the next day and asked me when I was free to go out. We made plans to see each other tonight (Friday night) at 10 pm because he had a work-related event that ended at 9 pm.

We met at 10 pm…everything went well. Great conversation, etc. After our drinks (one round) were done, he said, “I’m not sure I want to have another drink.” I said, “Well, I’ll let you decide while I use the restroom.” I come back to the table and the bill is paid. I say “thank you” for the drink and then he says, “Want to get out of here?” I agree, but I think that maybe he wants to go to another bar or lounge in the neighborhood (since it’s only 11 pm). But, the minute that we walk out of the restaurant, he says, “Well, do you want to do this again?” And I say, “Sure, I’d love to.” And then he asks ME to call him on Sunday night (I told him I have a girls’ dinner) so we can figure out a good time to get together during the week.

So here’s my gut instinct: He’s not into me. If he was, he would have wanted to stay out for longer than an hour, especially on a Friday night, and wouldn’t have asked ME to call him so we can figure out our next plans.

I’m thinking it was just lip service to be cordial, and I should probably not call him at all on Sunday night. At least then, if he calls, I’ll know that he’s really interested and wasn’t just being cordial. What do you think? |Age: 33

You’ve already decided that this guy isn’t interested. Therefore everything you do, think and say from this point on will reflect that belief. Before you do call him on Sunday, and I highly suggest you do, you need to shrug off this feeling of doubt and insecurity. If he didn’t want to hear from you, then he would have taken ownership of the responsibility of following up. Think about it..if he didn’t want to see you again, why would he tell you to call him when that actually increases the chances that he’ll have to speak to you again?

Plus, why should he be expected to be the one to follow-up anyway? Why is it that we expect the guy to do the following up? Isn’t it enough that he asked you out the first time?

I understand why, in theory, you think his actions means he’s not interested. But right now you have no proof of anything. You’re just erring on the side of caution because you don’t want to feel like a fool. The worst that can happen is that you call him, he ignores your call and you never hear from him again. Do you really think he’ll pick up the phone if he’s already decided he’s not interested?

You’re closing yourself off instead of be open to the possibility that he is interested. You can look at it glass half full or glass half empty. It’s up to you.

ETA JULY, 2025: I agree this guy is making a modest amount of effort. I would be equally miffed if some guy suggested that I call him to set up a second date. What I wanted to communicate originally, and I’m not sure I did, was that we tend to measure other people’s interest in us by our own personal barometers. Sometimes that’s judgment call is accurate. Sometimes it’s not. There’s so much stuff that two people bring in to relationships – past experiences, individual belief systems, etc – that it’s impossible to be able to read their minds. Over thinking these points might prevent us from getting hurt or disappointed. But I think the over-analysis can hinder us just as often. I feel like this is the biggest hurdle that singles encounter. We take our expectations and code of dating ethics and project them on to our dates. We get stuck on the small stuff so often that we never get past the first lap. If the OP of this letter calls the man and he blows her off, how much damage could that do? Would it do any more damage than if she never called him at all and she spent time wondering What If? Either way she’ll questions her choices.

I think a lot of people wish for or expect some sort of romantic comedy inspired first date. They want to meet cute, and have one of those dates where they talk for ever and feel totally comfortable, like they’ve known this person their whole lives. Sometimes first dates are awkward and short. If anything, I’m more suspicious of the longer dates than the shorter ones. What’s funny is that no matter how many times we go on those marathon dates, where everything is clicking and we get swept up in the moment and we end up in a crash and burn type relationships, we still prefer those dates to the shorter ones. Why? Because that’s what we see in TV and movies. We want romance and chemistry and intense attraction.

Love doesn’t always start out that way. Usually, at least in my experience, that never leads to real love at all. Infatuation, sure. Great sex? Absofuckinglutely.

But love? Committed, true, real love? Not so much. Sometimes love starts out slowly. The upshot in those cases is that the heat last longer. That’s the love you want. The kind where there’s a return on emotional and physical investment.

Just because it doesn’t look like a fantasy from the start doesn’t mean it won’t or can’t end up that way.